Verified by 
93COMMENTS
My sister (a year younger than me) was quite the little control freak. However I think she was just mirroring our father when she would resort to verbal abuse and usually violence to get her way.
Sometimes she would just exert control for control's sake though. For instance she would save up her bottled water during tennis, despite the heat, just so that on the walk home she could splash me with it. She would always make me walk one step behind her and if she felt I stepped ahead she would splash me.
Apart from such examples, a lot of our fighting was pretty much innocent. I don't think that true aggression arises unless the parents are a model for it.
Family Dynamics
The Dark Side of Siblings
The dirty family secret parents dismiss.
Posted Oct 28, 2009
Most parents who introduce their first born to a new brother or sister are well aware of, if not totally versed in, the difficulties that may arise. Parents read one or more of the books categorized as "how to introduce your child to a new sibling." They talk to their child and to other parents to avoid initial and future sibling backlash. Apparently much of this good intention and preparation goes unheeded.
Siblings abuse each other: As many as 74 percent push or shove their brothers and sisters according to Murray Straus, Ph.D., author of Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family. Dr. Straus also found that 42 percent go further-they kick, punch and bite their siblings. If we add verbal abuse, the number climbs to 85 percent who "engage in verbal aggression against siblings on a regular basis."
There are few studies of sibling abuse and compounding the limited data is fact that abuse among siblings is a well-kept secret. It can remain ongoing and undetected for years. The victim is usually younger and not as strong and, thus helpless to fight back. In my family the story was a slightly different. I, the much younger sister, tormented my brother with little repercussion from our parents. They, like many parents, didn't want to believe that a child they treasure could be such an aggressor.
Sibling abuse is far more common in families than spousal and parent-child abuse combined. John Caffaro and Allison Conn-Caffaro, authors of Sibling Abuse Trauma, call sibling assault "pandemic." There is more of it among male children than between sisters and its intensity varies by age.
When Dick or Jane cries foul, parents tend to ignore the situation or rationalize it by telling themselves that kids will be kids, s/he didn't mean it, or they'll outgrow the fighting. Physical assault is often accompanied by verbal abuse with lifelong detriment to the recipient, report the Caffaro's.
Some children warm to a new sibling without incident, without displays of regression or aggression. Others spend a lifetime believing they are not as good as the newcomer. Early feelings of inadequacy can grow into sibling abuse: a family's dirty secret that unlike spousal abuse, rarely makes headlines, but leaves indelible scars. The key for parents is to distinguish between what is sibling rivalry and what is sibling assault, be it physical or verbal and intervene when necessary.
Were you abused by a sibling? Were your parents aware of the abuse? Do you feel as if you were damaged by your sibling's hostile treatment?
For more information:
What Parents Need to Know About Sibling Abuse: Breaking the Cycle of Violence by Vernon Wiehe
Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family
by Murray Straus, Richard J. Gelles, and Suzanne K. Steinmetz
Sibling Abuse Trauma: Assessment and Intervention Strategies for Children, Families, and Adults by John Caffaro and Allison Conn-Caffaro
Related: Who is the Most Violent Person in Your Family?
and What Difference Do Siblings Make?
Copyright @2009/2016 by Susan Newman
Sibling abuse
Submitted by Anonymous on October 28, 2009 - 1:01pm
Modeling Behavior After Parents
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on October 28, 2009 - 5:03pm
You are correct children may well copy a parent's behavior, but a good deal of sibling abuse occurs when parents are not paying attention to the sibling relationship: Parents may be stressed by the economy, struggling with divorce, be away from home much of the time, concerned with his or her own issues. In short, much needed supervision is absent and that leaves room for sibling conflict and abuse.
Older brother was psosyopath
Submitted by Tim on March 8, 2017 - 3:10pm
I remembered violent head injuries the first was exploring in the woods with my older brother.He was walking in front and picked up a board with nails in the end,turned back and turned the board so they would be facing down and swung it back and struck me on top of the head.I pushed the board out,and started running for home and I knew if I didn't get out of the woods he would finish the job.My mom and sister was there and stuck my head in a sink,blood pouring down the drain.I was screaming bloody murder the whole time.I was told he didn't mean it and do not tell Dad who was a navigator in the airforce.So then feeling alone and vunerable,I followed him and kept my mouth shut and never told on him again.I finally got bigger and started being the enforcer or protector for my little sister.
You spared your sister
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on March 8, 2017 - 6:28pm
Tim, Such a heartbreaking, difficult time for you early on. Not sure why your mother said your brother didn't mean it or protected him from your Dad. Your sister benefited having you as her protector--that's what older siblings are supposed to do. Be very proud of yourself.
I Tried So Hard
Submitted by Susan K Perry Ph.D. on October 28, 2009 - 11:49pm
To this day, my second-born son asks why I gave him bad info about how to deal with his older brother. The elder was pesky and very active and easily bored, and wanted to play with his little brother (at least some of the time), and I often suggested the younger (who preferred NOT to play as often) just "ignore" him. Never worked, and things escalated until I had to intervene. I feel guilty even though I tried so hard and read everything there was on sibling rivalry back in the old days. Typical advice was to let them work it out. (They were two years apart, and this went on for more than a decade.) They're friendly now, but not best buddies. Too different.
Brother-brother bonds
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on November 2, 2009 - 9:12pm
I think all parents want their offspring to be each other's best friend, yet parents need to face the fact that siblings can be, as you note, "too different." Their personalities may clash; their interests may be too diverse for them to be close in the way parents hope.
The research shows quite clearly that the bonds between adult sisters are closer than those between brothers or brothers and sisters. Not knowing the ages of your sons, I offer this: Siblings tend to get closer as they age across all the sibling combinations.
You watched carefully...didn't allow their differences to escalate into sibling abuse which would have prevented them from being "friendly now."
Siblings, especially sisters, can be lifelong friends.
Submitted by mplo on June 12, 2019 - 8:30am
All too often, other friends just come and go, but siblings, especially sisters, can be lifelong friends, which are very valuable.
Sibling abuse.
Submitted by Lolita on November 9, 2009 - 11:22am
It's about time someone wrote an article about this.
My sister--if you wish to call her that is seven years my senior and despite the loads of attention bestowed on her. She is to this day an evil little monster. I'm not talking about simple sibling rivalry either. Or the other things associated to her, sexual abuse was among her list of favorite things to do to her younger sister.
Sibling Abuse
Submitted by Nora on January 14, 2016 - 7:18am
Too right. I am from a large family and feel like an alien. Except for one brother, my siblings are small minded, and cruel. I have nothing to do with them, and this did not come overnight. My parents were bullied by them in their old age. I have no regrets for lost contact. Some families cannot reconnect. And they shouldn't.
sibling abuse in large families
Submitted by Gabriela on June 14, 2018 - 3:36pm
I had nine brothers and sisters and it was awful. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse... I went NO CONTACT after my mother died. The best thing I ever did was walk away from my abusers.
Sibling abuse
Submitted by Dawn Larzelier on December 1, 2009 - 7:10pm
I was shocked to read this article, but shouldn't be. I guess I never thought of the issue as pandemic. Here I am, 36 years old, and just now beginning to deal with the physical and sexual trauma I experienced as a child at the hands of my older step brother. All my life I have kept it a secret and this secret has eroded my world view, my self esteem. I think this issue needs to be discussed more, there needs to be a better public awareness campaign. Today, my dad and step mother do not want to talk to me because they believe that I am stirring up trouble and "can't get over the sibling rivalry." they blow it off as me being "a brat." Whatever.
My bro emotionally abused me,
Submitted by the sad sibling on December 21, 2009 - 7:12pm
My bro emotionally abused me, when i went to my mom she'd say "just ignore him", my dad: "u go tell him that i said", anything other than "let me turn off the tv and get off the couch and i'll go displine him". It got so bad that at age 15 i stopped talking to people and nearly slit my wrists, im far better now but my relationship with my family isnt. What my parents did was selfish. i dont know if i'll ever stop hating my brother.
My bro emotionally abused me,
Submitted by the sad sibling on December 21, 2009 - 7:12pm
My bro emotionally abused me, when i went to my mom she'd say "just ignore him", my dad: "u go tell him that i said", anything other than "let me turn off the tv and get off the couch and i'll go displine him". It got so bad that at age 15 i stopped talking to people and nearly slit my wrists, im far better now but my relationship with my family isnt. What my parents did was selfish. i dont know if i'll ever stop hating my brother.
What You Experienced...
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on December 23, 2009 - 5:25pm
...What you experienced and your parents' reactions (read: non-action)is why I wrote this post. I'm hoping that by focusing attention on the problem and its reality parents will listen to their children and pay closer attention to the relationships between siblings. Thank you for adding to the discussion by telling your story.
I have been diagnosed PTSD
Submitted by Anonymous on March 23, 2014 - 9:29am
My childhood was a warzone, conflicted by the over zealous joy I was to feel it wasn't physically abusive, and that I had 2 parents. My younger brother was recruited in bullying me after being conditioned with rewards for learning how to do it I recall as early as still in diapers. The fights were used to try to manipulate and hurt, or renegotiate and reconcile, or manipulate into being present in the home, with my alcoholic Veteran Father "Who Had This Drill Sgt. In the Army". Father would use alcohol as his fuse for binging and purging his sins of war and justify absence, threats of absence, inconsistency, violent persecutorial mood swings. I feel I can relate with many of the comments in an after the article.
Since being diagnosed with PTSD. The abuse became physical! To show me for seeking help? and have been shunned by the whole larger, close extended family some in law enforcement ( one who is a child abuse detective, I grew up with promising we'd never drink or smoke like our parents), law enforcement who have effectively protected him from any repercussions and have at all costs refused any help, even going as far as to have me arrested and my report and incident photos lost after he repeatedly punched me in the face after instigating an argument I effectually never raised a finger towards him during except to try to protect my face. Going No COntact was one of the most difficult decisions and potentially healing of my life; when I was on antidepressants, not ending my life was ( yes because of the chemical reaction to them). My Brother is still a narcissist and the Golden Child. Even after Drug Dealing, Lying manipulating for financial gain for years at cost to promised help to me for college, a clear history of using personal contacts to lie, steal, manipulate, defame, use others... All he had to do was cry and apologize, like I used to be humiliated and intimidated into doing.... for his acts of verbal, physical violence against me, or my anguish at neglect, or for whatever they've done. Oh yeah and he and pretends he found Jesus.
Sibling trauma
Submitted by Anonymous on January 19, 2010 - 8:53am
It's amazing that childhood sibling rivalry can continue to adulthood. I was the younger weaker, much smaller sister, who could not stand up for myself against the emotional and physical abuse. My sibling grew very long nails--I bit mine. Needless to say after she would do her teasing about anything she could come up with, we would end up in a physical fight. I ended up with nail scratch marks numerous times on my arms where blood was drawn. My mother reacted as the article stated, and didn't intercede. I remember thinking as a child that one day my sister and I would be adults and we would have a normal relationship and be there for one another. Not so.
Complex Subject
Submitted by JJ on February 10, 2010 - 1:01am
This is an issue that worries me with my own kids. However, I'm finding the abuse paradigm a little too simplistic to be helpful. It seems that my older two abuse each other, and both would claim that the other is the 'abuser'. They constantly harrass each other, and frankly, can be awful with each other, and it is nearly impossible to sort out whose 'fault' it is. I would love a better solution that my current one, which is when they fight, they both go to their room until they can act like civil family members again (and really, that civility is so painfully fleeting).
It must be frustrating for
Submitted by Anonymous on February 21, 2010 - 9:36pm
It must be frustrating for you. I'm sorry, but at least you are trying something and they know you don't approve. My kids had their arguments, but they were not allowed to lay a hand on each other.
It must be frustrating for
Submitted by Anonymous on February 21, 2010 - 9:36pm
It must be frustrating for you. I'm sorry, but at least you are trying something and they know you don't approve. My kids had their arguments, but they were not allowed to lay a hand on each other.
A suggestion
Submitted by X on August 1, 2011 - 4:31pm
Have you ever tried (once you sent each one to their room) to go into their room, and question each, not as to who started the fight but why all their disputes even happen. See what they dislike about eachother. If it's the case that they're too different, then you handle the matter by teaching them to accept any traits - even the ones they don't agree with and perhaps if the hatred between them isn't too big yet, try having a group session with them - approach the matter from a psychological perspective, perhaps the best case would be to actually have an educated counselor to guide all of you and truly "work things out".
If it's not their differences, but some foolish thing, or perhaps their bad past experiences. Then again you need to work things out from a psychological perspective.
You can say that you don't need counseling or help from a psychologist/therapist but here is a sad story I have for you:
"My grandfathers sons (my uncles) always hated eachother and still hate eachother till this day (even though they're around 40! - no longer little children). I'm not talking about any minor hatred like - I'll avoid speaking to you, or I'll ignore your presence, or I'll leave the room if you're in it - I'm talking about a genuine I will physically abuse you if I ever see you again. The one thing my grandfather longed for was to see his sons shake hands before he dies. Well ... he's dead now. Both sons did attend the burial and they even stayed in the same small room (for the wake) but this was a cold acceptance of eachothers presence. They will never shake hands because their hatred stems too deep - it started in childhood and it lasted till this very day, 40 or so years of dispute cannot be so easily mended, if at all."
So hear me on this - You do not want to find yourself in my grandfathers shoes - act quickly and act while there is still time. Above all act rationally and ask people educated on the field for help!
Take this warning seriously.
Submitted by Anonymous on October 21, 2014 - 12:43pm
Take this warning seriously. My mother was a narcissist who took for granted that her children would get along without her intervention. She was also simply too lazy to intervene. She assumed that it was her children's job to fulfil her dream that they would play happily together, even though it had never been their dream and they had never given their consent. She had created the situation, and it was her job to make it work, but she was too lazy and selfish to do her job. Children will not reject their mother for the problems caused by her neglect. They will reject each other. But if they're smart, when they grow up they will reject her, for she is truly the one to blame for all they suffered.
It was constant disrespect
Submitted by Anonymous on June 28, 2010 - 2:30pm
It was constant disrespect and frequent verbal abuse that I got from my one year older sister most of my life; but I am resilient and am a positive person who has been able to maintain a relationship with this older sister because I want to have a good relationship with my mother, who is a good mother but could never get her to respect me; my mom is emotionally dependent on her now because she has always lived nearby and my mom raised her children. But now that this sister's son is showing this same disrespect and physical and verbal abuse towards my son, who is much younger, I decided to intervene by approaching my sister with the request to get her son to stop doing the things (like trapping my son in a dark rooms, hitting him on the head with objects) and her reaction was that her son is my victim because I am so "vicious", and my mother supports her "boys will be boys" response and my frustrations continue to simmer, and I really have to work hard so I am not angry and bitter at this unfair sibling dynamic which has no solution (I was hoping for maturity to resolve it, but I was wrong).
Why are you letting your
Submitted by younger on September 17, 2017 - 8:36am
Why are you letting your child be exposed to this? If your mother is not doing anything about it, she is tacitly supporting it, she is not on your side either.
I'm 14, and this never happened to me
Submitted by Anonymous on March 27, 2011 - 8:53am
My sister's 18, and we've never had any HUGE fights, and I even avoid abusing in front of her, forget abusing her. Yeah, I do hate her at times because of her stupid controlling attitude, but it's cool. Not many fights.
Never happened to me
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on March 28, 2011 - 9:54am
Happy to hear that you have such a good relationship with your sister. It sounds as if you two will be friends and supportive of each other forever...and that's a good thing...no, great thing. What did you mean when you wrote: "I even avoid abusing in front of her."
Adopted Sibs
Submitted by Greta on September 17, 2011 - 1:44pm
We adopted a second child when our first adopted son was 2. He had several adopted friends in the neighborhood. I thought I was so wise to let him decide when he wanted to introduce his sister to his friends. After about a month he decided it was time. He brought his friends into the kitchen where his sister was lying in a bassinet. He walked up to the bassinet, lifted the blanket near the bottom, picked up his sister's foot and bit it. He had not shown any aggression up to that time.
Postscript: They are not close at all, and he was diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder.
3 sisters
Submitted by Big Sis on September 18, 2011 - 12:42am
I am the oldest of three sisters. I'm about 4 years older than the middle sister and 14 years older than the baby sister (can you say "oops!"?). Middle sis and I got along famously until at some point during my puberty. I think it was before baby sis came along, but maybe after my parents initially separated (getting back together on at least one occasion to create baby sis).
Anyway, at some point middle sis' very existence annoyed the ever loving hell out of me and I started beating the crap out of her. My parents didn't do anything because we were smart enough to do it when they weren't around (I was supposed to be babysitting her - ha!). Also, middle sis didn't tell on me because, as she says now, I had as much dirt on her as she did on me.
I did things like smack her, push and shove her, and once I sat on top of her and strangled her. To this day she claims she was turning blue, but I didn't do it in front of a mirror so I contest that point because there's no way she could have known she was turning blue.
When baby sis got old enough to talk, the jig was up because she ratted us out and she wasn't old enough to emotionally blackmail. But the relationship didn't improve until I moved out of the house.
I did pick on baby sis some too, I remember getting yelled at by my mom "You're 20, she's 6!", but nothing physically violent and I don't think emotionally abusive either. Just teasing. I remember pointing my finger just to the left or right of her eye, not touching her, and making weird noises.
Fortunately, none of this affected our adult relationships and we are now each others' best friends and laugh about our younger years. I think poor baby sis does still get ganged up on by middle sis and I, but now the abuse comes in the form of unsolicited advise. Well, and I still sometimes do the pointing finger thing too. :)
Nevertheless, I used to investigate child abuse and neglect and I do absolutely believe, no KNOW, that true abuse, the type that can permanently damage a person's psyche, does happen. I think more education is needed for parents to know what is "normal" and what is abusive. "Normal" shouldn't tolerated, but abusive needs to be addressed by a professional.
Relating
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on September 18, 2011 - 10:32am
Big Sis, Thanks for telling your story. I am sure many can relate and hope parents raising children now will read this and start paying more attention. Yes, parents need better information!
Realityville
Submitted by "Woke" middle sis on September 17, 2017 - 8:32am
"middle sis' very existence annoyed the ever loving hell out of me and I started beating the crap out of herI started beating the crap out of her"
"I used to investigate child abuse and neglect and I do absolutely believe, no KNOW, that true abuse, the type that can permanently damage a person's psyche, does happen."
Hope "middle sis" and "baby sis" lived to get far, far, far away from you.
It's quite interesting how
Submitted by middle sis on September 17, 2017 - 8:42am
It's quite interesting how you think that what you did was different from the "true abuse that can permanently damage a person's psyche."
Response to the Dark Side of Siblings
Submitted by gmwilliams on October 14, 2011 - 1:28am
People have been inundated by the sibling culture that it is proper for children to have siblings because siblings provide "such valuable life lessons" for children to learn. This sibling society has repeatedly inundated people to have two children or more because ONLY children are viewed as an anomaly who are"selfish, bratty, entitled, and spoiled". Also the sibling society maintained that only children are "lonely".
I am laughing at this now. As an only child, I am laughing because now there are studies which have validated my point about the negative effects of siblingship. Growing up with siblings increases negative and often pathological behaviors on the part of siblings because of increased competition for parental favor.
Siblings often play mindgames and other forms of gamemanship to see who is the better sibling in parental eyes. When there is more than one child in the same household, there is often animosity, jealousy, and rivalry. There is no such thing as equal parental love in multichild families. It is simply impossible- in multichild families, one child or another is favored while others are unfavored, ignored, or just left to their own devices.
In multichild families, there is frequently bickering and other forms of infighting among siblings. Thank God, I am an only child who has the undivided attention with my parents. Furthermore, I can always have access to discuss things with my parents. I am appreciated for the unique person that I am. When I learn stories about siblings, I shuddered and shout aloud that I am so GLAD that I DO NOT have any siblings. They are total hemorrhoids. Being an only child is SUCH A PLEASURE. I have a high sense of self because there were no interfering siblings to diminish my self worth. My advice: Keep your siblings for my life as as only child is a milnillion times better than you people with siblings. Now I know why you hate us only children- we have the life that you with siblings wish that you had.
In support of only children
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on October 15, 2011 - 9:17am
Many with brothers and sisters have told me that they wish they were only children. And, much of what you say is true about siblings, but it is also true that some siblings do actually get along and like each other.
Love your line, "They are total hemorrhoids." With your permission, may I use it at some point?
Only Child--You are Lucky!
Submitted by Gabriela on June 14, 2018 - 3:48pm
Would have loved to belong to a peaceful, loving home or at least a home where siblings aren't allowed to hit or demean each other. Always thought being an only child would have been wonderful. My parents did not have enough time or money to raise nine kids. Lots of stress and tears and confusion.
Eldest child generally has more pressure to "set example"
Submitted by Anonymous on November 20, 2011 - 8:54pm
I found that with myself and friends who have been the older sibling there is so much pressure on them from the parents that they may lose their innocence.
Even into adulthood they are often expected to have the best jobs, homes etc because they are set up as eternal role models.
Because they are older the parents are usually biased to the younger siblings in fights because they say unfair statements such as: "you are older and should know better." (despite the fact a child is still a child)
They blame bad behaviour from younger sibling on older as they "copy" them. They do not treat each case indivually which is a momumental stress on the eldest to be "perfect".
What the parents forget is the old sibling is still a child, playful, immature and just as insecure. They can't be expected to be role models based on age gaps and should be left to enjoy their childhood as much as the youngest.
I don't think I would have hated all this responsibility as much if I actually got the same respect in proportion to the abuse and weighty responsibilty lectures I recieved.
What is the point of being the extra parent, the older more responsible.. when all you get back is constant torment from the youngers and then if you snap a big lecture on being mature from the parents= All pain with no gain.
The abuse came in form of doing things behind parents back and then when I snapped back making sure the parent was there to "catch" me. The denying any provocation and crying like a victim of something horrible I had never done.
This would be normal if it weren't for the fact it continued into an age where they are well aware beyond any doubt of the rips it was creating with parents and caused me to be kicked out of home...
It is certainly a bad sign as even after feeling so low within the family and moving out any attempts to come visit and spend time with family the younger would get a mystery illness, sudden crisis so that I could not visit or get help I desperately needed.
Now I can't even attend family events because of them as they will be sure to create a drama which I will be blamed for.
Yes, I know how that goes.
Submitted by Anonymous on March 23, 2014 - 9:52am
Well said for the eldest child unrequited push to pursue "perfection" role while allowing the youngest to be a child. I don't believe that children innately create psychological damage in their siblings as much as they are promoted into picking up dysfunctional family patterns and characteristics are reinforced how all behaviors are, it's rewarded ( at least in context to being the outsider/ dissenter to the pattern). It's as if in order to justify/ normalize their own abuse experiences adult children of dysfunctional habits systematically shame or shun into conforming, as a ritual of honoring the legacy of the family heritage by passing it on.
Older Siblings Unite!
Submitted by Anonymous on August 16, 2014 - 5:34pm
Thanks for at least one person on this page to notice the traumas that older siblings go through. Although you posted your comment three years ago, I feel the need to acknowledge you. You deserve better, and so do I. So many years of pretending not to be a "victim," and all the other psychobabble from hell. No, I'm not a victim. I'm a strong, protective, loving older sibling and proud of it. The problem is, as long as I fail to acknowledge the pain and guilt I went through (and continue to go through after going "no contact" on my emotionally manipulative younger sister), I attract other abusers into my life. Little snipers and controllers and general a-holes. It's something I'm just now declaring, at risk to everything, to be not OK. Never OK.
We older siblings may not be bearers of perfection, but we are perfect just the way we are.
I stare in near-disbelief at these accounts of older siblings physically abusing their younger ones. Because it never, ever occurred to me to do such a thing. I cannot say with 100% certainty that I never hit or responded in any way, and you can sure bet if she had jumped me physically I would have beaten the shit out of her. Absolutely. And with no guilt. The thing is, I remember no such confrontation, physically. Just verbally and through hurtful actions and manipulative games.
My heart goes out to this commenter also on the demand that she be better behaved, as the older one. While I never truly resented behaving well, being basically a good kid, it did seem that the rules were stricter in my case. I was not even allowed to wear full makeup until I left home at 18, and there were silly numbers placed on things like being 14 and being allowed to shave my legs. Stupid me, I followed the "rules." No wonder people keep making silly rules for me, at 51! Heaven forbid I should leave a single fork in the sink at work, or leave a door unlocked while I'm at home (in a perfectly fine neighborhood), or have hair that lands on the bathroom floor. Seriously? And if I follow such rules, stricter ones are sure to follow. (Why, indeed, did I yawn at a meeting?) And really? When one of my parents asserts that she is "trying hard," and I should never, ever cut off a sibling, I am not to respond to that? Hello?
I'm in my 50s and have only recently learned the term "up yours" (even if expressed privately). It's a great awakening, realizing that no, a certain ex-boyfriend was NOT being reasonable when he brought up how much he still "loved" me while excusing every single lie he ever told me. And no, having an "open heart" doesn't mean I can tolerate such people. The love in my heart is there for ME and those who genuinely love me.
All accounts are paid, and I owe no one. Anything. Least of all my respect, if they abuse me through stupid, detailed arguments about how wrong I am. Screw 'em. Really. Whoever said life was fair? It just got less "fair" for them, according to their rules I guess. Pardon my dust; I really AM the stronger person, and I'm outta here.
I am a strong, accomplished, loving and delightful older sibling. I celebrate older siblings. Those of you who would ever hit a younger kid, unprovoked, screw you. What were you thinking? You dishonor all of us. We are honorable and amazing people, if we let ourselves be.
Playing for the older
Submitted by a million little violins on September 17, 2017 - 8:56am
Playing for the older siblings whose parents had high expectations of them.
If you have succeeded in life, happy for you. But, imagine (if you can, for one second) what it is like for kids whose parents have low (or no) expectations??
I was abused by my older sister
Submitted by Karas on December 5, 2011 - 11:20pm
Your article really touched home. I am 35 years old and I have a 40-year-old sister. I just recently found that what I have endured for over 25 years had a name...sibling abuse. The last time my sister "attacked" me was 2 years ago while I was in a wheelchair. My mother still doesn't feel what my sister does to me is clearly wrong. My mom is often the instigator of such beatings. She and my sister are very close. It wasn't until April of this year that I ended all communication with my sister. Soon after I began a blog about sibling abuse and my story but I had to stop the blog as my sister has threatened me. I have added my story on my crime website and if you would like to read it, please visit http://justbeingkaras.com/2011/12/01/conquering-sibling-abuse/. I'll be adding a lot more to my site about this kind of abuse. I would love to be able to use your article on my site. Thank you for opening the door about this horrible type of abuse.
Older sister
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on December 6, 2011 - 10:42am
Karas, Thank you for adding to the discussion. I will contact you via your website.
I think cutting off
Submitted by not the oldest on September 17, 2017 - 9:06am
I think cutting off communication is the only way to go, sadly. They might be nice to you once in a blue moon, and you start thinking things will be different this time, but the truth is they are "annoyed by your very existence", and you need to move (literally move if necessary) into self-preservation mode.
They are always going to be fighting you for every scrap of attention/support from your parents. It's just not worth it. Stand up on your own, and be strong. Find your own tribe of people you can trust who act in all things with h
My sister is almost 4 years
Submitted by Anonymous on December 7, 2011 - 12:07am
My sister is almost 4 years older than me. As a child, she lived to control, intimidate, bully, belittle, and shame me. She was always hyper critical of every move I made.I can't even articulate what sibling abuse has done to me. I have lived my entire life feeling like a stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, good for nothing, loser... all because my older sister told me that is what I was. It wasn't just verbal. She was constantly starting physical fights with me. I would always fight back, in fear that I would get in trouble if I didn't. (I was taught by my dad to "take my part" and if he ever heard of me backing down from anyone I'd had it. How screwed up is that?) She stopped treating me that way years ago, but I picked up right where she stopped. My internal dialog is a constant replay of the words I heard as a child. I even became the aggressor at one point. Bullying, and intimidating others... really because of fear. Anyway, now that I know that this was sibling abuse, how do I change the effects it has had on me? I constantly put myself down, doubt my abilities, and take everything way too personally. My self esteem is low. I have depression/anxiety, and have a family history of depression. (My father and uncle both comitted suicide.)I forgive her for the way she treated me because I really don't think she knew what it was doing to me long term. I just can't seem to get past these feelings of inadequacy.
You are not alone
Submitted by Karas on December 7, 2011 - 5:19am
You came to the right place first of all. It seems Dr. Newman has a huge heart and may just be able to lead you in the right direction. I just want to say that you are not alone. You made it through this far because you are a strong person. You can do this. Again, remember you are not alone.
Surprised!
Submitted by Anonymous on July 2, 2012 - 7:11am
Originally, I sincerely thought that the use of the word 'abuse' was too strong of a word, but after reading some comments, I realized the severity of the problem. Truthfully, I often abused my sister, but never in ways as extreme as those stated, usually just manipulating my parents to get what I wanted, at the expense of my sister (for bathing privileges or something similar)
I realize now that the issue at the stem of this problem is the parents and the support that they give their child and their ignorance. With my parents help, my manipulation came to an end when I realized what I was doing wrong.
Surprised!
Submitted by Anonymous on July 2, 2012 - 7:11am
Originally, I sincerely thought that the use of the word 'abuse' was too strong of a word, but after reading some comments, I realized the severity of the problem. Truthfully, I often abused my sister, but never in ways as extreme as those stated, usually just manipulating my parents to get what I wanted, at the expense of my sister (for bathing privileges or something similar)
I realize now that the issue at the stem of this problem is the parents and the support that they give their child and their ignorance. With my parents help, my manipulation came to an end when I realized what I was doing wrong.
Curious
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on July 3, 2012 - 9:37pm
Can you explain how your parents helped you? I think their approach to stop or curtail your manipulation of your sister would be helpful to parents of young children. Thank you for commenting.
abuse by older sister
Submitted by Anonymous on October 11, 2012 - 4:04pm
I am 63 years old. In June (2012) my older daughter (age 25) wrote me in an email that she had been "a horrible sister and a terrible person toward (her younger sister)." She said she verbally and physically abused her sister (17 months younger) for years, including shoving, shaking her, grabbing her clothes, and hitting her. I asked if the younger one had ever "fought back" and she said no, she would just turn away. She told me that when she was a senior in HS she wrote a letter to her sister apologizing and saying she didn't deserve what she did to her. I grew up a lonely only child and always wanted to have more than one child, now I am so sorry I should have stopped after my first child, my son. I knew my two girls never got along, and I tried to tell myself it was "sibling rivalry" - but now I know it was so much worse. When I told my younger daughter about this, and asked her why she didn't come to me (or to her dad) - she said, "I thought you knew". This has broken my heart. I can't stop thinking about it, and I don't forgive myself for having ignored this for so many years. Ironically, the older sister ended up having a breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and she is very kind to me but she has a sad lonely live. The younger sister is a high achiever with a great job - but she is very cold to me - very distant, and I fear she will never forgive either me or her sister. I am so, so sad. I don't know how to manage - I used to think I had been a "good enough" parent, and I have a good relationship with my oldest son, but now I know I failed both my daughters. The older one told me, she felt very ashamed after she would abuse her sister, so she was hurting, too. And I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE. I hate myself for that.
Abuse by older sister
Submitted by Susan Newman Ph.D. on October 14, 2012 - 11:09am
As you noticed from the comments, abuse by a sibling is not as uncommon as parents wish it would be. You perception of "sibling rivalry" is widespread. That said, I am sure you were a wonderful parent in many other areas..."good enough" to use your description. We would all like to be "perfect" parents and even if we come close to that goal, our children will find something to fault us for. How your daughters are now may or may not be related to their interactions as children...raising children is complex. Try to stop hating yourself for this one aspect of it.
sibling rivalry and socioeconomics
Submitted by Anonymous on October 23, 2012 - 10:27am
The book "Unequal Childhoods" by Annete Lareau is about parenting differences in (upper) middle class, working class, and poor families. The author's argument is primarily about how middle class parents engage their children in structured, organized activities ("concerted cultivation") whereas working class and poor parents tend to let their children have free time ("the achievement of natural growth").
Although the book is mostly about "concerted cultivation," there is a discussion of sibling relationships. The author says that in her research the upper-middle class children fought more than the working class and poorer children did. She says that the upper middle class children would insult each other, say they hated each other, and fantasize about doing physical damage to each other, whereas the working class and poorer children tended to get along lovingly.
Do you think that this observation has any validity as an overall generalization?
sibling rivalry and socioeconomics
Submitted by Anonymous on October 23, 2012 - 10:28am
The book "Unequal Childhoods" by Annete Lareau is about parenting differences in (upper) middle class, working class, and poor families. The author's argument is primarily about how middle class parents engage their children in structured, organized activities ("concerted cultivation") whereas working class and poor parents tend to let their children have free time ("the achievement of natural growth").
Although the book is mostly about "concerted cultivation," there is a discussion of sibling relationships. The author says that in her research the upper-middle class children fought more than the working class and poorer children did. She says that the upper middle class children would sometimes insult each other, say they hated each other, and fantasize about doing physical damage to each other, whereas the working class and poorer children tended to get along lovingly.
Do you think that this observation has any validity as an overall generalization?
agree that parents set the tone
Submitted by Anonymous on March 4, 2013 - 11:31am
I am the oldest of three with parents who have had a nearly 45-year dysfunctional marriage. My mother's disrespect to my father over the years has had a pretty strong effect on my sister, the middle child and 3 years younger than me. She is quick to bully, start arguments, and to offer unsolicited and nasty criticism. Our brother, the youngest, has distanced himself from the family. Some of my sister's nastiness has trickled down to my daughter over the years, and she has been quick to criticize my daughter and parenting skills as well, despite the fact that her own children are not problem-free and I've done a good job of keeping my mouth shut. My husband, the oldest of two, has experienced somewhat similar issues in his own family. We both theorize that as the oldest, we were expected to tow the line and be the "cooperative, easy-going" kids, while our younger sisters got their needs met from being the squeaky wheels in the family. Truly, once the family roles have been doled out, there isn't much going back. He and I have both experienced a lot of friction from our birth families when we show resistance to being the "easy" ones.
- Previous
- Page 1 (current)
- Next
Post Comment
advertisement
