What to know about what you don’t know you know. #1: Intuition is very efficient—if you don't overthink it.
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My grandparents ”raised” me from 2wks old to age 18. I had so little life experience and my grandparents were so oppressive...
When you don't interact with more than two people outside of a work or school environment, you don't really know how to socialize when you go into the world...
I also never really envisioned myself having a future - literally. Even though I don't recall them ever threatening to do it, I had this helpless notion that my grandparents would find a way to keep me after I turned 18 by having me declared legally inept/insane. It's not something I was sold on or believed would happen in a way that would make me feel comfortable betting on it, but I believed it emotionally... And if I wasn't being driven suicidal, sometimes my grandfather would make sure I knew he'd kill me if I did whatever he's on a tangent thinking I might do. And I had every reason to believe him. No, technically he never left bruises but he (or my grandmother, but her's wasn't as extreme) would lose his temper and go after me with a belt, with a look of rage on his face that whatever I was doing could not have possibly caused. And if it was bad enough, that could turn into getting slapped in the face repeatedly while being told to move my hand out of the way and being scared they were going to ”knock my teeth out” like they always promised.
Now imagine if these relationships are not only your primary relationships, but 85-90% of the total experience you have relating to people, period... The way you ”see yourself” thru empathy in your friends, I didn't experience this until I was 24.
A digression, but I can't help but wonder if my grandparents' bullshit had something to do with the fact that I never saw the mom/dad ”made over” until I was 26 tripping on LSD. If you can see the ”ghost” of Kurt Cobain in his daughter, Francis Bean Cobain, this is what I'm talking about. I experienced it for the first time with a weenie dog and her daughter.
I also never experienced what it was like to have respect for my parents. Yeah, I did what I was told... Unless I didn't think I'd get caught. I didn't know what it was like to have any respect for my parents as legitimate authority figures, like someone I'd get advice from.
As a 27-year old adult, I have trouble taking my own feelings seriously and sometimes even being aware of them. And I'm always looking for outside confirmation of my own convictions, and have a habit of discrediting myself at the mere suggestion that what I'm thinking or feeling is wrong. It's like I believe that on an almost atomic level, my essence could not be anything but wrong and regardless of how someone else (anyone else, really) arrived at their conclusion or what information they had, their judgment of whatever it is is inherently better than mine because it's me. This has so much to do with being told (and talked about like) that I can't be trusted, even though an olive branch of trust is never granted. It's never granted because it's just somehow obvious that I can't be trusted and if I could somehow show that I could be trusted without being given any privileges, responsibility or freedom to do it with, then I might get to have some privileges, responsibility or freedom. And after becoming an adult and making mistakes because of the very inexperience this caused, I judge my mistakes and ability to know what's best for myself very harshly. Even though at this point, I've had more life experience and seen more shit than both my grandparents combined (minus the Vietnam war), I still look at myself as a naive idiot that doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.
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