Hi April. Sounds like you were raised by two very disturbed people. As children we believe what our caregivers tell us and their beliefs get "programmed" into us at a very deep level--even if later we learn/realize that their beliefs were not healthy. There are books on "reparenting" yourself. I have not read any of them, but have seen them at the library. Here is one title: It's Never Too Late to Be Happy!: Reparenting Yourself for Happiness. Maybe one of these books (or counseling) can help. Please have compassion for yourself. (Be the parent to yourself you wish you had. Love and hold and hug your small self. Love that small child who's still inside of you.) I wish good things for you.