Hi, I just recently had borrowed my fiancés phone due to my phone being off at the time, he freely give me the phone to use, in the midst of all my browsing through my Facebook and smoking my cigarette taking a break from our children and my household duties.. I received a notification of a new email that scrolled across the top of his screen that had an unusual message heading. So, I was confused and of course curious and never before have been one to snoop and prowl or lurk. But given the reason in seeing what I had, I simply went into the inbox of his personal email. There I saw many and many headings from Craigslist "casual encounters" "casuals" and "personals" that had the headings or subject of things like "str8t white man wanting to bust in my mouth" or "wanting muscular tattooed top to suck off" things like that. So, I click into these and inside are numerous back and forth messages between my fiancé and MEN, that at first I had been given the idea woman were looking to mess with my fiancé and he was cheating on me. As I read more I got confused and when I finally put it together I was in a pure state of shock. For months I kept it in my mind and it went away. Then again one day he got an email but this time he was not around his phone so I "lurked" now, I think for weeks I regret ever looking and being so damn nosey. Then as time went by I grew more open to my thoughts, I wasn't in shock anymore I was just curious now in him, how he felt about the whole situation and acts he had engaged in with these men. I was concerned about his feelings not because I was scared he is gay, I know he isn't gay at all, but because I was worried he was ashamed and holding this DEEP DARK SECRET inside all this time and can't express himself or be open to me or vent. Then I was concerned that he may be confused about who he is and why he enjoyed such actions, maybe he is ashamed and don't know why. I was concerned about his over all feelings, because I love him and I care about him as a human and as my fiancé. I was worried that he may just never be able to admit to it and get it off his chest. I was worried that he was bottling it up and felt a burden. The messages I found first were more subject when he was using Chrystal meth a few years ago and got really bad on it before he turned his life around, and he started with the engaging into sexual actions with men by strictly being "top" and only received oral from the men and strictly NOTHING else at all, some were for money and some he just done. Then it grew as I went through messages from just "top" nothing more, to "top" by receiving oral and GIVING anal to the men, and further on months after to never asking for money, being "top" and agreeing to try "bttm" which is both getting it anal and giving it too I guess when your a "bttm" and "top" it's pretty much "verse" so by reading and studying all of his messages going to where it started and where it ended. I learned the slain and I learned the things he done went from trying it for money, to liking it, to being fully active with it and "verse" and actually never wanting to see the men, lights off, strictly blow and go or full on activities and go and no talking and no looking at one another in complete total darkness. it also engaged heavily while he was on the drug, then let off as he quit the drug and went to rehab and come out clean and to the day still clean. But I had found an occasional encounter here and there not much but just once in a while and it was with past men that seemed to still not know him, know what he looks like, and only knows his email, and place of engagement for their sexual intercourses. I know this was long but every detail I've picked through, studied, try to put into place and know why exactly. I worry for his sake he feels nasty or ashamed and it pulls him down. But I want to first understand and study this behavior because if he don't know why or if he does I want to be able to help him. So before I actually show him the proof I have and all, first I'm learning myself. I kinda hinted to him and mentioned all these sexual emails in his phone, I didn't mention I knew it was men. I just said what do these emails I found mean and he said nothing it's not me doing those and I want you to make a new one. So I done just that, then I text him to tell him he can tell me anything in the world and he ignores that and we went on. So, I eventually wrote a letter to him (14 pages long) to explain how we are best friends, how I am open to who he is no matter what he wants and likes I would never judge him or say he is wrong, call him nasty, or even just label him gay, bi, or bicourious and that he can be who he is with me if it meant he has fantasies strictly just sexually or if he just likes it or if it was experimenting and he did like it for a while but Come to realize he just likes or liked the relief and non comittinment. I would never leave him for this nor be disgusted or look down on him. I have been taking a lot of anal from him since I found out because apparently he enjoys sticking it in a ass and I want to fulfill his desires anyway I can. Where before he is my FIRST that I let enter with penal penatration instead of just a finger or so. I do enjoy it myself lol. But I also mentioned it to him once more to see if he was ready to speak of it on his own without me writing him the letter to help him confide and trust in me and know I am ok and he can be himself and that's what a life partner is for. To be 100% with your true love and best friend you have to feel comfortable with who you are and know they don't mind. But when I brought it up last night I done so because he did actually get a email from an old booty call that he hasn't met with in years all a sudden checking up and asking to host to him soon cause it's been too long. So I had an excuse to bring it up, when I said "baby, you wanna talk about the email I got today in the old email you had" he says "what you mean, I don't even care that's why I told you to make me a new one" I said "well I did but I kept seeing these booty Calls and I know it's not from while we been together but it's something I wanted to understand" he said "there is a reason I asked you to get me a new one and those emails were not from me" I say "baby, I'm not mad and you don't have to lie" he said "well what about the emails I mean damn what is it?" I said "look, I read hundreds and hundreds that are from long ago, yea I snooped, but I seen booty calls and ads from Craigslist from you listing ads to you responding to other people's ads, I seen where it was for money and I've seen where you paid them, I seen it for free and just all kinds of things and I just want to know and you to tell me and you can't say it's not you and you was hacked. You carried this email for many years, your messages include where you are at when you was meeting, give your personal address, phone number, when you were leaving work and where you worked, how long it would take to get to them from places like your house and suck, hotels you secretly stayed in and even down to the actual phone the email was sent from such as (sent from my personal cspire wireless phone) or (sent from my iPhone) and it's impossible to lie about someone hacking you" he then got irate with me yelling, hitting and slapping his leg and steering wheel, and just plain out denied it period and said he don't know who or how but he didn't do anything. So I said well I've gotta take it back a step and make him feel better so I said "well these GIRLS are whores, paying you for Sex and you paying them is all I seen through These emails and it's weird you say you didn't do this with nasty women, but whatever. But I know it even explained to some of the WOMEN, that once they pulled into your drive, that the front is unlocked, you was waiting in your room and to walk straight to you that it was the second door down the hall on right and lights were off to strip dwn and be ready to get satisfied" and he said "well I haven't ever done that in my life with any woman I would not pay a girl for pussy and it wasn't me period" so I said ok then it's fine I just was curious. In other words I played it off so that he didn't freak out or get mad at himself or feel embarrassed and I'm giving him time to see if he wants to come to me and if not I will give him the Letter to assure him I'm ok and it don't bother me. At all. Just wanted him to feel trust in me and vent to me. So that is why I am writing this today, maybe to get some insights on this or what I should do and not do, even maybe to know why or ease my mind and be assured it really is ok. Cause honestly, I'm a little confused myself not knowing how to take it all without him being honest and opening up to explain. I will not tell him I feel that way, I will always assure him it don't bother me so he is comfortable. I mean it don't bother me but since I don't know why exactly it makes me feel missing puzzle pieces and my mind don't know what to think about it. As far as is he secretly gay? Naw!!! Or is he bi, or biocurious, straight but likes fantasy freaky stuff, or closeted, or even confused himself or in denial. That's why it's important to me that he talks about it for his sake and also my own.