Sharing personal information brings people closer together. But how do you know when you’ve gone too far—or when someone else has ulterior motives?
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I am a gay man who has had a "friends with benefits" deal going on for the last three years with one of my best friends, who is straight. He is 35, I'm 55. He's been my buddy for well over ten years, and during the first eight of those years, I never had the slightest inkling that he might be willing to have an encounter with another male. And we were together a LOT in situations that could have easily led to sexual activity if either one of us had made a move, but we never did. I didn't think we ever would, although I always found him to be very attractive physically from the time we first met.
My buddy did not know that I was gay until well into our friendship, when a mutual friend--- in a drunken moment--- outed me and spilled the beans. I was irritated with him for doing that, but my buddy didn't seem to care. He just said to me later "Whatever trips your trigger, dude." But I found out later that he ALWAYS knew--- or suspected--- that I was attracted to him. In fact, he asked me later, once we had begun sexual encounters with each other: "It took you long enough. Why didn't you ever try to do stuff with me before?" I said "Because you're straight and I was afraid you would end our friendship, or maybe even punch me out." He said "I might have, yeah. But maybe not. I don't know."
Anyway, much to my amazement (and delight), HE unexpectedly made a move on ME in 2013, and we've been FWB ever since.
Do I still believe he is "straight"? Yes. I don't think for a moment that he fantasizes about me, or other men. I think he fantasizes about women. I think our activity began (and has lasted over hree years) for a few reasons:
#1, Relationships with women have been difficult for him to maintain. He is physically attractive, but moody and not always a great person to be around. He's only had one serious long term relationship in the 11 years I've known him, and that one was with a beautiful but demanding and unstable girl with many issues of her own. It's easier just to have encounters with me, a person who doesn't demand "commitment" or time and attention that he doesn't have.
#2 He's a loner at heart, and doesn't know how to socialize or bond with people very well.
#3. I am 20 years older than he is, and even though I don't look it, I think there is a part of him that enjoys positive attention from an older male. His dad took off and left the family when my buddy was about five years old, and it really rocked his world in a bad way, and left him with an emptiness in his life. He enjoys having friendship (and in our case sexual encounters) from older guys who treat him nice.
#4, He doesn't have opportunities to MEET women, as he works construction, either alone or with other dudes. I'm an easy outlet for his sexual needs, one that doesn't require him to "romance" another person, which he isn't great at anyhow.
#5. He has several "rules" about our sexual encounters, which I'm willing to abide by. We can't ever TALK about it being the main one. When we're not actually encountering, we act and behave just like the "normal" friends we were for years prior to that. I am not allowed to kiss him above the neck, and especially never, ever on the mouth. (I think that's just silly--- "I don't kiss dudes", oh right. Okay, whatever, buddy! Oh another one is that he has roommates, and our encounters at his place have to be super quiet, so that they never "find out". This is a guy who takes the concept of "discrete" to extreme limits. Nobody must EVER know.
As for me, I'm okay with all this. I am not in love with him, and have no desire to be in a "relationship" with him. He would drive me nuts. I do enjoy his body, and I appreciate that he LETS me enjoy it. In return, I provide him with a sexual release. We have remained great friends through all this, which I'm happy about. I don't expect anything from him, nor he from me--- other than the usual guy stuff like "Can you help me fix my car?" or whatever.
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