I agree with volatile tendencies in general, but I found this article to be illuminating as I have BPD and am averse to getting close to people. If people like my company too quickly then I'm definitely suspicious naturally. I just don't trust people, or life. It's difficult to trust when I know closeness will reveal my tendencies, such as my secret neediness.

In 'down' periods it's easier to be distant, generally. I love people as a whole, and I want people all around me to love themselves and be fulfilled, and I feel like I could be an insightful friend who helps others self-actualize, so I want to get close to people and be mutually enriched, but I get a pang of anxiety and overwhelm reminding me that I am, on some level, broken. I have a hole in me. I am dysregulated, depressed, and I am a burden to others.

If I feel someone/ a group accepts me and likes me before I know them well, then I feel like not only they don't know what they're getting into but I also get a fear that I don't know what I'm getting into either. I have low expectations of myself, as far as being liked or social aptitude, and if I am accepted it almost means that something is 'off' and I am on guard subconsciously.

I'm a BPD mess who hates myself and I don't want to put my BS on others, even though I really need/crave others. I really want a group of friends, closeness and acceptance, but I think it's a paradox that I must avoid altogether going forward—that is, if I mess up my current friendships.

My family had no emotional closeness and is deeply broken apart, my mom rejected and abused and abandoned me, so I think it feels more comfortable to be distant. My new friends struggle with my push-pull habits, I can tell. I'm hurting and need to be alone at times, otherwise I feel I'm a burden and I can see the faces of conflicted exasperation as they analyze my demeanor—"do I care this time? do I want to hear about their childhood or whatever the issue is? Do I want this to affect my day? Why does s/he need so much validation and attention?"

I can see what I do. I get it, I think. I know what's going on when someone ends up just validating everything I do/say. It's a damaged friendship if nobody can even be honest with me anymore. It's fuel for self-hate which perpetuates the situation. I wish I could be a better friend without making it more complicated than it is.

For the most part, the way that I am is the way I least want to be. The things I don't want as definitions of myself I desire to be kept hidden, but some traits are ultimately impossible to hide and I am inescapably defined by them. Realistically, I'll end up friendless and alone. You can't be close without vulnerability and trust. The ones you love the most, you can hurt the most. In my mind, when I end up hurting others it is the worst thing I can possibly do, it's more proof that I'm broken. Truthfully, I hate this existence, I hate my BPD.

How do I grow without close friends? How do I improve without hurting friends too badly?