I don't even know where to begin and after 13 years i still don't know why. There has been so many life events during this its impossible to explain and keep it short. There is so much that gets stuck inside of us and nowhere for it to go. So many unanswered questions, thoughts and worries with only one cure, our kids. I have 4 childern ages now 28 to 18. 3 girls and a transgender son, who 2 years ago just came out. My ex used everything he had against me. I trusted him with my life he was the only one i confided in and he used it as a weapon in court, on my kids and my mother. Every dirty deed was told to my youngest when they were just 6 and 9 with my mother present to fearful of him to stop him. He has had full custody, more like a prison, for the last 13 years. He has been successful in making sure there was no memory of me. I have never given up no matter whether they replied or not to this day i still send text to them telling them i love them. I finally thought had a chance 2 years ago when my oldest arranged for all of us to have Christmas together you can imagine my excitement. We had dinner exchanged gifts and went on a trolley ride to look at the lights i was in heaven. They gave me a photo album that they put together with their photos their favorite colors and things. I was overwhelmed with emotion. They all said that they were willing to put time into making things better and wanted a relationship with me, i thought i had died and gone to heaven. I think about it now and wonder if it was just a dream. I have seen my second daughter once since then and very little communication. My oldest i have seen 2 times, my third daughter 0 times. My son is the only one who has held up to what he promised and a lot of it is due to me being open minded and non- judgemental of his transformation where his dad was not so much so. I am grateful that we have a new start but i don't understand how the others could be so cruel with no explanation. I have returned to my self imposed hell and pain. It is hard to separate from it when i am in contact with my son. It's not his place to explain why the others fell off so i do my best to keep it light. The pain i have is unbearable and has caused so much destruction in my life. I have lost jobs and partners because of it. There are days i am not sure i will make it through another one and somehow i do knowing if i didn't it would cause them so much more pain. I have been there for them when they needed me and then they disappear. The manipulation that happens is so covert that it goes unrecognized but the affects are deep. It is a chicken shit evil mind that does this to their own children and yet somehow they end up being the hero. I have built up a great amount of hatred for a man that i once loved and trusted with my life. How do you move on from that? How do you find "normal" again?