What to know about what you don’t know you know. #1: Intuition is very efficient—if you don't overthink it.
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I've had the experience of growing up watching how BPD is formed, for several family members. I've also had relationships with several men with BPD, who's families I've spent considerable time with (married to one now) and got a very good idea of what was occuring. My upbringing with a mother with NPD, I believe, is why I was attracted to them. Their intelligence, in my experience, is often very high and our family backgrounds so similar, they were kindred spirits.
Every person diagnosed with BPD that I have known and they have been many, came from educated middle class families. Most seemed like quite nice, respectable, pillars of the community type families. These were NPD mothers and/or fathers. The kind of narcissists that wore a different persona in public and often, even the siblings didn't see just how bad these people were treated.
In every case I personally know, but one, that person was the family scapegoat. This taught everyone else in the family that everything was their fault and justified the parent's behavior. It also led to ganging up and a general attitude of dismissal anytime this person tried to tell someone they were being mistreated. This effectively isolated them and the distortion campaign these parents wove, ensured these poor kids had no credibility from the start.
The genetic predisposition thing is utter crap. If there's anything inborn about it, it's personality traits common to the people I've known that are GOOD traits to have, but under a narcissistic (or otherwise invalidating, gaslighting, abusive, tyrant, often sadistic) parent's rule-becomes a tortuous and problematic life.
Every person I've known with BPD had been a highly empathetic and sensitive person. In a nurturing environment, I truly believe the outcome would be vastly different. Compassion and caring, phenominal insight and empathy for others, would create a different life.
For a person with BPD, empathy isn't usually lacking, like most people believe, it's so overwhelming to the person it gets shut off. My cousin's BPD is so bad she hardly functions, but she's the most gifted reptile rehabilitator I've ever seen. She has such empathy and compassion for these little creatures and a skill for saving them, that in all my experience in veterinary medicine, I've never seen elsewhere.
I know that with my husband, the horrid way he has treated me, paradoxically, has led him to feel such remorse it's unbearable and subsequently it shuts off, causing a cycle of more hurtful behavior, regret, empathy shutdown.....rinse and repeat. I do think it's voluntary at times and his being selfish doesn't help anything. Not everyone with BPD is OK with causing people they love pain.
A willingness to pursue treatment is paramount. It's not their fault they are like that, but their responsibility to fix it. I know full well what that's like, I have Complex PTSD from my upbringing. I didn't ask for it, didn't deserve it, but it was up to me to fix it. I am never OK with hurting people I love. Why didn't I get BPD? I have studied this sort of thing a long time and I do think personality traits we're born with have something to do with it.
I am naturally a person who questions everything, I have Aspergers and the exceptional memory that often accompanies it (makes it really difficult for gaslighters when you believe your own memories and experience) has helped me hold on to my sanity when a lot of people start to question theirs. There are other things but this is getting very long. Plus this is just my theory.
Also, Complex PTSD is quite often misdiagnosed as BPD, as are other things. If you have been diagnosed with BPD, I urge you to check out CPTSD. Emotional falshbacks are very difficult to recognize as being a falshback. It can account for the "acting out" a lot of BPD people seem to hate themselves for.
I have found most therapists are themselves narcissists, or otherwise so full of ego they do more damage than good. I spent years studying BPD and researching it, so I could better understand and help my husband. I really did my best to understand his inner workings to both protect myself and not expect anything unrealistic from him.
I have had more than a dozen therapists, including PhDs, tell me it doesn't occur in men. (It absolutely does, but often looks different). Most therapists do not appreciate anyone who knows more about anything than they do. I ended up tiptoeing around them, so as not to offend. Once I realized this I gave up.
I had to heal my own CPTSD, by becoming my own expert on it. I recommend this to anyone who will dedicate themselves to truly getting better and who is willing to put in the time and has the self-discipline. It requires honest assessment of yourself and is something I consider to be the course of action to take when there isn't a good therapist though. However, finding out that there aren't any good therapists can take years and make you worse. Truly not a position I'd wish on anyone.
It's a horrible position to be in and the US is a horrible place to have psychological trauma, mental illness, be abused and seek help....I know from experience and living in several other countries, the US has the worst medical care, not to mention the most expensive. It's run by BigPharma, completely profit driven and entirely for the benefit of the industry, at the expense of the patient. Of humanity.
Science is completely for sale. "Experts" are so invested in the paradigm, that better information is rejected and the real scientists that make breakthroughs or upset the prevailing narrative are ruined.
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