Dear Peg, thank you for your work. At times your writing is the only thing that helps me to move on. I'm in an incredibly toxic relationship with my mom and my brother. I've been gaslighted for years. Sometimes, my mom attacks me alone, sometimes they do it together. Neither of them has ever been on my side, never, not a single time. Today is the following day of another attack and I'm dying, I'm in the midst of a crisis. I've been traped in a very complicated and unhealthy mix of psychological, financial and personal interactions with my mom. But I'm gaslighted to believe, it's all my fault and I'm just a waste of a human being, she gives me a chance to live. My help, my care are all taken for granted and have always been, my gains diminished and shrugged off. My brother now belittles me more and more often and my mom supports him. He acts like he owns everything my mom ownes, like her property is his and I'm just... well, for some reason not equal to him and she agrees. But then she steps back and says that she neither did nor said anything wrong and if she did I made her and she plays a victim of an "emotionaly unstable daughter". I'm so helpless, desperate. I'm also 36. They've been attacking me for years and after attack I always go online and complain but then things go back to normal and I quit my attempts to change my life. It's like a vicious circle. I'm so tired, I'm dead, I'm hollow inside. I don't know how to live a separate life, it's like I've always lived to make my mom happy. I'm dumb to have a normal job, every job I had people either didn't pay me or took advantage of me. I tried to be self-employed and I did find work and I managed to complete a hard project where others quit. But I guess I'm not in a right phsycological condition to be self-employed as I sabotage myself and just turn down challenging offers. Also, I've never let anyone down at work, when I worked for companies, I've never even been late for work a single time. I consider myself a responsible person. But I don't know how to build a normal professional relationship or how to set up boundaries, I've never had them. I also work for my mom but it's very bad and not how it should be. I've also been bullied at school and had been sexually abused by my older cousin from age 6 to 9. My mom just didn't care, she was an avoidant and emotionally cold mom. Didn't notice a thing and now blames me for attention seeking when I bring this up. I only brought this up when she started nagging about how she has always been such a great and loving mom to such an ungrateful person. How can you consider yourself a great mom if your child was sexually abused for several years right in the next room and you didn't even notice anything? My dad died before I was born, my mom was pregnant with me and she claimes I gave her reason to live. My brother's dad left us later (my brother is younger then me). I had a very warm and loving relationship with my paternal grandmother but she passed away so early. My mom says my beloved granny spoilt me and made me a nasty person and it hurts to hear that. I'm a scapegoat, my inner world is so deteriorated, sometimes I think I no longer want to be myself. Like if I'm that bad like she says, I don't understand how to fix myself to be normal and accepted. My mom and at times my brother say incredibly mean things to me, you won't believe a mom could say such things. They are not rude, they are hurtful to the core. But then I say something nasty back. I never start an attack, I just protect myself in response. And my mom always catches what I say and plays a victim. Why have I been caught in this trap for years? Why? But the things she says when she starts an attack are so painful to hear. Why can she be a normal, supporting and nurturing mom to my brother and not me? Why does she trust him and in him,
his abilities but then always criticizes what I am or what I do? My brother is no way different, in fact, he had problems with grades and she had employed him for years whereas I never had problems at school and found all jobs I had myself. She now let him use her commercial property for free and before that let him rent an apartment I helped her to get. When I tried to talk about it, she refused to explain why him and not me or us together, argued for an hour, attacked me and then just said "f. you, none of your business". Yes, she literally said the f word (in my native language). God, my life is such a mess. I want so bad to have a normal life. I'm sorry for my English, I'm not a native speaker. Thank you very much, your writings give me hope.