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I'm so glad to have stumbled upon this article. I have been dealing with this issue for just over a decade. I had a breakdown and finally sought therapy.
I'm now 50. I have asked myself these questions over and over and it always caused me to at best feel stuck and at worst spiral down into a dark hole for most of the day.
I have repeatedly focused on 3 of the questions.
Why doesn't my mother love me?
I believe I actually have discovered the answer to this question. Logically I always understood it was due to her own limitations and not because of me. But why was she limited? I learned that at 18 she gave birth to a son that she gave up for adoption.
I can't help but believe this left a scar on her psyche even though I'm sure she did her best to put it behind her and move forward - marrying my father and starting her own family.
One theory I have is the possibility that to her, loving the children she kept - might feel like a betrayal of the child she didn't?
But I agree it's best to eventually reach acceptance. Because even with detailed information of my mother's history long before I was born, it doesn't change anything.
Who could I have been if things had been different?
Ooh boy does that put me in a low place.
The best method I have come up with to handle that question is focus on who I actually was and am. Just like you said. I focus on my strengths and resilience overcoming adversity.
I could have done better. But I also could have done far, far worse!
If my own mother can't love me, who will?
This one has often entered into my mind. I have people in my life I know do love me. So it's a fallacy and logically I understand this. I still struggle with feeling flawed though.
I think it's excellent advice to drop these questions. They are baggage we carry that drain us, our energies can be better spent focusing on ourselves while healing.
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