What to know about what you don’t know you know. #1: Intuition is very efficient—if you don't overthink it.
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So people might say, well why doesn't the woman just go out and use some porn too? Good question, but why should she have to? It's fine if she wants to and both people want to use it together. I think that's fantastic that you and your wife found porn fun and broadening for your relationship. But it isn't for everyone, and that's ok. People have their boundaries, and those should be respected by BOTH partners. If one partner MUST use porn no matter how the other partner feels about it, then perhaps he (or she) needs to be with someone else. While I would find it incredibly shallow to leave someone simply because you must get off to people you'll never meet, for some people porn is very important, or they are addicted.
Original swinger author here.
I don't think it would be being shallow. A marriage where sexual needs are not being met equally, or often, based on so many posts on this board anyways, is at best a close friendship, and usually the party "not getting it" is bitter about it. Sexual compatibility is a huge and important factor in marriage. You don't have to have exactly the same kinks and desires, but you should be close enough that everyone gets what they need.
This is where I think porn can be that "issue" for marriages, in that one partner may see it and think "that looks FUN" and their spouse it totally unwilling to participate. Depending on what that was it could be understandable, or it could just be selfish, but it puts a divide in their thinking and desires.
In our particular hobby of swinging, there are a lot of guys who really want to give it a try and their women have no desire, thats completely understandable but if it weren't for porn and the internet the most people would know about swingers is usually a few whispers about "the neighbors 2 blocks over" and a weird urban mythology. Without "porn" that marriage wouldn't be stressed.
But is that really a good thing? What I am really describing is ignorance. If you are ignorant of something, you can't want it, but that doesn't mean being ignorant is a good thing.
One other factor may be with the "fattening" of America, and while there is "fat" porn out there, most guys don't have that fetish and as such porn actresses are generally thin and often quite fit as are the men. I'm sure that this applies to both men and women, but a majority of the cases will be the men who after seeing attractive people have sex, will look at their less then fit partner in a negative light. In this you get the "unrealistic" claims but honestly if someone is overweight, asking them to not be is hardly "unrealistic" its just hard and many people are just to lazy and unmotivated to do so. I usually get grief on this thought from fat activists, but if you want to see a man radically transform his 40+ year old gross body into a fit one, watch what happens have he gets divorced. The magic of motivation.
I don't think its "shallow" to leave your spouse because they refuse to take care of themselves physically. Its all part of what makes a long term relationship last. Being we are on over 20 years together, we must be doing something right.
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